I Just Wanted to Hear Him Say "I Love You"

I remember it vividly, I must've been sharing an instance where David was making me crack up and my boss at the time said, "You have such a deep love for your husband but wait until you have kids. It's going to be a love you never imagined." My response was "I sure hope so because I don't even like kids." I didn't even realize until the immediate laughter of all my present co-workers how quickly I had blurted that out.

Well at the time, David and I had been married for nearly two years. We had so much on our plate. He was working two full time jobs, I was working plus going to school for an accerlerated program. We were both actively involved in our church which caused us to be there nearly 3-4 days a week. Not only was I exhausted, but at that time the thought of planning for children was not on our list of priorities at all. We were nowhere where we wanted to be financially, in matter of fact we were behind where we needed to be due to me not attaining a job that matched the benefits of my degree, but still having to pay student loans. There was also a period of unemployment when David's company moved. That was one of the hardest times for us financially.

A few weeks after my boss made that comment, I realized that my cycle was late. I waited, and waited but nothing. So one morning I took a pregnancy test and decided to have devotion while I waited for the results. At that time, I was in great need for a deeper relationship with God. Over a period of months, I kept on asking Him to tell me personally and specifically that He loved me. Even though I had spent practically my whole life in church, had a personal relationship with God, and even had many confirmations of His closeness, I still longed for an eye to eye, intimate "I love you. When I see you, I see Me and even when I don't see Me, I still love you."

This particular morning, I sang a hymn and called out to God in tears. After I was done, I remember feeling a weight lifted. I was so engulfed in my prayer that the anticipation of the pregnancy test was barely present. I wiped my tears, got up, walked to the bathroom and read the test. It stated "pregnant." This is my first recollection in life of instantaneous elation that came not only from the astonishment of wow I have life in me, but also looking back, that was the moment that God began in a beautiful way to answer my prayer. Seeing me holding that test, I can almost hear Him say "Are you ready for a specific illustration of my love for you? Keep your eyes open because everyday from here on out I'm going to demonstrate it."

Please don't get me wrong. One doesn't need to have a child for God to demonstrate His love. In matter of fact, God demonstrated His love in full when He sent His son to die for us, so that we can have an abundant life here and we may live in heaven. Even on our best days, our works and effort wouldn't deserve it. But God in His patience and mercy knew that I would understand this truth more in depth, and that I would hear His "I love you" to me through me having children. A means that back then I wouldn't have necessarily chosen. Shall I remind you the comment that I made to my boss that I didn't even like kids? I was really just expecting Him to show up in a dream or something. But God is awesome and He knows what's the most effective way to win our hearts if we yield to His choice of means. What's even more awesome is that He chose the long haul by showing me His love everyday rather than the one time expression like through a dream which I had suggested.:)

So I have a few challenges for everyone. If you don't have a relationship with God, call out to Him, trust me, He will answer you. If you have a relationship with Him already and you want to go another level, call out to Him and be willing to accept His choice of means to answer and demonstrate His love. He is faithful and dedicated. And I challenge all of you to follow me and take a glimpse into my life as He gives me a glimpse of His love; the nuggets and parallels of His love for us through the love for our children. Thank you and enjoy!