My son is one of the most peculiar people that I know. He is a four year old whose had an abundant amount of energy since he was in the womb and doubled the amount of testosterone. For the the first few years, raising him was so challenging. With the combination of him not being a big sleeper and his frustrations of not being able to verbally express his emotions effectively, produced temper tantrums that were comparable to taming a wild animal. Our discipline consists of verbal warnings, time out and pops (spankings) only on
the tushy (where there is plenty of cushion:)) We discuss with him the emotions that
were involved to trigger the action. We explain with scripture as our
reference why it is inappropriate and what the correct heart posture
should be. Then we always end with hugs. Even with that type of discipline, it used to and still hurts us to discipline him. Oh, but believe me, we did it often. Especially when he was going through the ''terrible two stage." But his acts never made me love him less. The disciplining process was more work than what we were used to compared to our daughter, but when it's all said and done, Daddy and I still have to get our kisses, I love you's and cuddling time as if he had never done anything wrong. Why? Not just because he's the best cuddling partner ever, but because we love him. We are very grateful to God for opening our eyes to see His unconditional love for us through the mannerisms of our son. I am sure, that like my four year old while he was going through his terrible two stage, we adults throw our own kind of tantrums when God doesn't give us our way. Or we try to exercise our will over God's will just like David used to grabs his shoes from me and say "My shelf (which means myself) Mommy!" Then he would put them on the wrong foot.:) We do the same... yes we do the same, but no matter what or how many flaws, insecurities, or levels of immaturity we own, God's love doesn't lessen. The meaning of David's name is Beloved. Which is all him. Just like King David in the bible, with all the mistakes that he made, God still loved him with a very, very special kind of regardless-of-what-you-do-wrong-love. We are all beloved to God.:) I love you David more than you will ever know and God loves you even more. ~For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
These are the type of lessons that are valuable but no fun while learning them. Little David is in a sports class which we look forward to going to every week. He does so well in all of the sports and really enjoys being with all the other kids. One of the moms has a son who is a little younger than David. He is going through a stage where it's challenging for him to cooperate socially. As I was encouraging her, explaining that David had just about finished that stage not too long ago, her son hit my son. We both immediately went over to them. She scolded her boy and I was comforting mine. I honestly praise God that day for the ability to effectively put aside my emotions of defensiveness and hypersensitivity, which I am sometimes accustomed to. I almost innately tried to conjure up forgiveness in little David. With Autumn in tote, I got down to his level and wiped away his tears, asking him if he was alright. I explained to him that the other little boy had not yet learned how to keep his hands to himself and that his Mommy and Daddy were teaching him. I asked him if he remembered when he used to throw temper tantrums because he had not yet learned how to express his feelings through verbal expression (or as we say, "using your words"). I asked him if he could forgive the other little boy. I repeated everything to him just to make sure he understood. The little boy came and said sorry. They gave each other hugs and David went back to playing tee ball. The boy's mother, who by the way is the sweetest mother there, apologized profusely and I reassured her that David was okay and we're teaching him about forgiveness and this is a practical experience to apply it. Well last week, we ran into their family at the library. I could tell by the look on David's face that those feelings he experienced that day at tee ball came back. This time the little boy tried to take a book away that David sat down on the table. His parents did a good job in making him give the book back and say sorry. Later, I can tell that David was a little bummed out. He was playing with the toys but a bit aggressively. When I asked him what was the matter he had brought up the incident at tee ball. So I was very grateful when I found this book moments later at the library today entitled Forgiveness. It was just for my kids age group and gave plenty of scenarios that gave opportunities to extend forgiveness and questions that made it interactive. My favorite part is when I got to tell them how Jesus knows exactly how they feel when their feelings are hurt because His feelings were hurt also. I reminded them of the love in his heart that He had for people and some people still hated him. I went on to remind them that they pierced his hands with nails and his side was pierced with a sword. Then Moriah added, "They even spit on Him" and I agreed. Then I concluded by asking, "But what did He day after they did that to Him? 'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.' "Then Moriah added once more, "Then He said, 'It is finished.' " ~For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 ~A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense. ~Prov 19:11
It was a Friday afternoon. The end of a busy week of Moriah's dance camp. That's why when she was kind of moseying along through the class, I just attributed it to fatigue. As all of the parents had all of our gadgets to record our beautiful ballerinas, David and I quietly joked that the dazed stare that our little girl had that day would be forever on video. We went back and forth, wondering why she seemed so out of it. David asked "What did she have for breakfast?" I added, "Well she is getting sick. I mean I know she likes ballet. She was ecstatic on the first day and really stuck out with her amazing posture." Well later she would point out something else that made her stick out. As we loaded into our car, discussing which class we were going to sign her up for the fall. I asked her why she seemed so sad. "Is everything okay Riah?" She nodded her head yes. She took a while and said, "Mommy, I am the only brown skin girl in my class at school and the only brown skin girl in my class at ballet." I agreed with her and asked her how that made her feel, wanting to encourage dialogue and wanted to buy extra time to carefully respond. She stated that it made her feel sad sometimes. In my mind I was like, No problem. Let's go home, pack and move to Atlanta. But I thought about it and encouraged her by telling her my story and how I went through the same thing but now I have a rainbow(she loves colors) variety of friends and someday soon, she will too. Dissatisfied with my answer, as soon as I went home I researched on how to raise black children in a predominately white environment. I did some recollection of my own experience, asked some of my closest friends for some input, watched about 6 documentaries and prayed. So in a nutshell this is what God led me to so far.
1. Teach them their heritage. We read I have A Dream, which is beautifully illustrated by Kadir Nelson. It also came with a cd of the original speech given by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I gave a quick play using Moriah's dolls and the book to summarize the story of slavery to freedom emphasizing that God made everyone different colors and He wants us to hold hands and not to treat others badly because of the color of their skin. I made it sure was age appropriate. Though I was reluctant, I believe it is key to teach this discussion early instead of waiting for our kids to learn at school. Their knowledge helps their confidence and hopefully prevents that awful and shameful feeling of discussing it during African American month while being the only black child in the class.
2. Encourage them to view positive Black people in media. Two things that you pretty much will never catch on our tv screen: 5 o'clock news and BET. Contrary to popular belief, I actually started my ban on BET not while residing in a predominate white environment but while I was attending a HBCU. Anywho, whenever we go to the library we try to get at least one book by an African American author. Though we watch a few cartoons, Little Bill is one of our favorites. We like movies like Akeelah and the Bee and Daddy Day Care and watched them multiple times. The kids go to sleep to Jamie Grace every night and have watched her testimony and her other videos on youtube. Whenever I see Gabby Douglas on a book or a magazine, I point her out. I'm considering doing a mini book report on her with the kids at the end of the summer since her story proves that color or size is not an obstacle if you have God and and the passion He created you with as drive. 3. Teach them that God made them for a specific reason and plan. This reassures them that someone else doesn't have greater value than them because of age, gender, looks, intelligence, race, etc. God created them for a purpose, for Him to love them. Also with a specific work to do that only they can do and they will complete if they trust God. Confidence should come from this and not appearance. 4. Self affirmation. I tell them that I love their skin because it reminds me of chocolate and cocoa. I also tell them that they're beautiful (then my son corrects me and says,"I'm not beautiful. I am handsome!:)) smart, intelligent and brilliant. Then I make them repeat it and and yell it. This morning I got so caught up in the yelling, I ran out of adjectives to yell. I glanced at the I have a dream book and it said "Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!" So we yelled that.:) 5. Do the doll test. I actually started out with this tip. I first saw this test done in the trailer for The Dark Girls Documentary more than a year ago. It made my heart drop and I knew I had to do it on my kids. But I stalled partly due to fear of the response. Basically the premise of the test is a white doll or (light skin doll) and a dark skin doll is given to an African American child and the child is asked which one is prettier. The child points to the light skin doll. The child is then asked which doll is smarter and the child points to the light skin doll and gives the reason that its because the doll is lighter. I have seen this test done so many times on children in many documentaries and its unbelievable. One little black girl went as far as to say that black is ugly and evil. This in not even taught one on one. It's subconsciously embedded. Sooooo...I did the test on my kids. Well I lined up five different shades of barbies. I asked David first. When I asked "Who is prettier?" He pointed to the darkest one. I asked him why did he think she was the prettiest and he said, "Because I did her hair." (Yes, I allow him to play with Moriah's dolls with her, but I refuse to allow him to play with her purses:)). I asked Moriah which one was the prettiest and she pointed to two. A bi-racial doll and one slightly darker. When I asked her why are they the prettiest she said because she liked one doll's eyes and the other one could fly.
Ok so I gave those answers passing grades. But I will continue to pray that they will never feel inferior because of the color of their skin, they will love others with Christ's love and that they will appreciate and learn from all cultures.
What negative experiences did you have growing up dealing with race and how do you plan on changing it for the positive for your children? ~For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
